The Problem with Expectations - And How to Let Them Go

Expectations. Sneaky little things.

They creep in when we’re not looking, convincing us that things should go a certain way. And when reality doesn’t match up - we’re hugely disappointed.

Whether it’s a big event, a relationship, or just a random Tuesday, unmet expectations have been one of the biggest sources of frustration in my life.

On my birthday this year, I started reflecting on this pattern, and one thing became glaringly obvious: my birthdays have almost always been like this.

Year after year, I’d find myself let down - not because anything terrible happened, but because my expectations were quietly sabotaging the joy I was hoping for.

Let me take you back to how it all started…

For as long as I can remember, my birthdays have been…not great. Not traumatic, but definitely not the exciting celebrations I always hoped for.

Something always seems to happen, and year after year, I find myself dealing with disappointment.

Lately, I’ve been trying to determine why - and, well, it’s been pretty eye-opening.

I’m a Reflector in Human Design, and one of the big themes for Reflectors is surprise versus disappointment. Basically, when I’m living in alignment, life feels full of surprise and wonder. But when I’m out of alignment, there’s disappointment.

The other day, I did an exercise to reflect on moments in my life that felt surprising versus disappointing, and a pattern jumped out:

Every time I’ve felt let down, it’s been tied to an expectation I had.

I wasn’t just hoping something would happen…I was expecting it. And not in a soft, flexible, "Oh, that would be nice" kind of way. More like, "This should happen exactly like this. This person should act exactly like this."

And if things or people didn’t go exactly like I expected…cue disappointment again.

When Birthdays Started Feeling Like a Letdown

Growing up, birthdays in my family were… acknowledged. We’d go out to dinner, there were cards and gifts, but it was never a big deal.

And at first, that was fine. It was just how things were.

But then, one year in high school, my mom didn’t say happy birthday to me that morning. And I remember being super upset. (She did later, and she’s an amazing mom…so don’t judge!)

That moment stuck with me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I think that’s when I started wanting birthdays to feel special. To feel like they meant something.

But instead, they started feeling…disappointing.

Maybe it was the boyfriend in high school who broke up with me on my birthday. (Who does that!?)

Maybe it was the different boyfriend in college who forgot my birthday every single year - and even when he did remember, he somehow found a way to be mean to me that day. (This sounds so petty, and sadly it’s so true.)

I think those experiences planted this belief in me that birthdays just weren’t good. Even worse, they made me feel like I wasn’t important. I wasn’t special. I wasn’t loved.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of a “Bad Birthday”

As I got older, I started expecting my birthdays to be bad. Instead of having high expectations for a great day, I flipped it - I expected the worst. And because I expected it, I almost…created it.

Self-fulfilling prophecy at its finest.

I’ll never forget my first birthday with my husband. We planned a trip to Savannah, and I took over (as I normally do) - booked the hotel, paid for it, and made all the plans.

And then I had the audacity to be frustrated because he didn’t take care of it. (Am I the only one that does this?)

So by the time my birthday came around, I was in a horrible mood. I spent the entire drive to Savannah thinking about how terrible the day was going to be, and honestly, I made it terrible.

Looking back, I realize I was sabotaging the day because I wanted to avoid disappointment.

And that’s the pattern: if I ruin my own birthday, then at least it’s me, not someone else, who’s to blame. It feels safer that way. I won’t have to feel like I’m not important or not special.

But…it also guarantees that I’ll feel disappointed.

This Year, a New Realization

So the night before my birthday - I got into a little tift with my husband.

I went to bed super upset.

Lying there, I could feel the energy building:

"Great. This is how I’m going to wake up on my birthday. This is the tone for the day."

And then…I caught myself.

I realized I was already planning to make my birthday bad.

I was even coming up with ways to passive-aggressively prove my point in the morning. Maybe I just won’t wake him up to help with the kids. Then make him feel bad for not helping me on MY BIRTHDAY!

I could see myself setting up the day to fail. And I had to stop and ask myself: Why am I doing this? It’s wild how easily we can talk ourselves into misery, without even realizing it.

The next morning, I woke up and there was a text from my husband.

I assumed it was from last night - probably something passive-aggressive from our fight. Great. Now my birthday is going to start with him arguing with me through a text!

But…instead of it being about our fight, it was sweet: "You’re laying next to me, snoring. Just wanted to be the first to tell you happy birthday and I love you."

Then I came downstairs and saw plants and cards on the table.

And I realized: People do show up for me. I just have to let them.

Actionable Advice: How to Let Go of Expectations and Embrace Life’s Surprises

If you’ve ever felt disappointed because of unmet expectations, here are some steps that can help you let go and invite more joy into your life:

1. Notice When You’re Slipping Into “Should”

If you catch yourself thinking, “They should know,” or “This should happen,” gently pause. Expectations often sneak in through those quiet little “shoulds.”

2. Shift Into Curiosity Instead of Control

Instead of “Why didn’t it go the way I imagined?” try asking, “What actually happened? And what can I appreciate about it?” It doesn’t erase the hurt, but it can soften it.

3. Focus on How You Want to Feel

Rather than scripting every detail, try setting an emotional intention: “I want to feel connected” or “I want to feel calm.” Let that be the compass instead of the outcome.

4. Let Life Surprise You

Leave space for the unknown. Some of the sweetest moments come when we stop gripping the steering wheel so tightly.

5. Check the Story You’re Telling

Sometimes disappointment isn’t about what happened, it’s about the story we’re telling ourselves about what happened. (This one gets me every time.)

6. Say What You Need (Even If It Feels Scary)

People can’t read our minds. And sure, vulnerability can be uncomfortable, but sometimes when we give people the chance, they show up in beautiful ways.

Final Thoughts

Expectations are tricky. They can quietly steal the joy from moments that are already good - just because they don’t look exactly how we pictured them.

But life rarely unfolds according to plan. (I feel like I have to remind myself of this…a lot.)

And sometimes, the best things happen when we stop trying to control the details and allow ourselves to be surprised.

So maybe this year, I’ll keep working on letting go.

And maybe next year, I’ll wake up on my birthday and just see what happens.

Because who knows…it might be better than I expected.